Everytime I try to fly... I fall without my wings.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Today i got all my results.. It is very very good compared to all my friends.. Only about 3% of the whole cohort of 5N got below 20 points for L1R4.. and i am one of them.. of coz i shine brightly infront of them.. and can say i am the cleanest one in a filthy rubbish bin.. so what..? my results are uncomparable to those Express students.. English- C5, Chinese B3, Maths A1, D&T B4, Science B4, Combined Humanities F9!
What kind of results is this? kao.. still can shine sia.. ya hoRz.. of coz can shine.. in a filthy rubbish bin loRz.. i have nothing to comment on others' results.. totally helpless.. think they are going ITE soon..

25 Days more to Os.. can't believe that my classmates still can play ping pong ball in class.. somemore the teacher in class.. my friends just don give a damn and carry on playing.. lol.. what a useless teacher..

Lessons just can't carry on.. and the purpose of coming school is to gain knowledge and learn things.. looks like it defeats the purpose.. end up i went to school today and rot.. this is sad.. teachers are useless.. they can't even control the students.. even worse is.. instead of calling the discipline master to come and punish us.. he/she gave us work and do and he just sat there.. rot somemore! we do the work.. only answers are given.. no explanation! kao.. how to surivie? lucky i have a sister to help me with my work.. fuck the teachers who teach me this year.. except Mrs Olsen(maths) and Mrs Chang(chem).. they tried their best.. i can see.. heng.. never disappoint Mrs Olsen.. but i let Mrs Chang down.. haiz.. nvm.. still got 1 more chance (Os) to make them shine infront of their colleges..

Every subjects is left to surivie on my own.. i managed to pass.. but others just can't make it without teachers' help.. what a suay year.. all the lousy teachers teaching 5Ns and good teachers teaching the 4Es.. fuck the principal.. stupid botak.. haiz..

It is been 4 days since i last seen my DeaR.. miss her so much.. just scolded her yesterday for not studying.. her exams is these 2 weeks.. and she yesterday she still can go her uncle's house and cook and play.. her results are so bad.. failed every subjects except Chinese for CA2.. first half of the year also very lousy.. gone case.. dunno this year she will retain or not.. hope she can make it.. then i scolded her still quite cham.. say her always waste time and never study.. on the verge of retaining still can go play.. then she never reply me.. she must be angry wif me.. i thought..
I sms her and say sorry to her.. and don angry with me..
Her reply surprised me.. "i won't be angry wif u.. I noe ni shi wei wo hao.. dan xin wo.. Den will sae me de.. I understand de.. perhaps if in the first place u didn't sae anthing.. I might not even bother to think abt studies.. Glad tat dere is u to care abt me.."
She is so understanding.. unlike me.. the moment my mum see me wasting time and scold me.. i flare up my temper and quarrel wif her.. i feel so bad.. haiz.. hope next time i can control my temper.. sorry mummy.. i know you care for me.. but i just don care.. sorry..

4:34 PM
LeX

Sunday, October 03, 2004

haha.. never thought that i also write my diary online.. i write on my diary book till sian liao.. waste my ink.. then later my hands tired.. think write here better.. so easy.. just type what you wan to say..
I hate my future.. i could predict how boring it was.. currently studying in sec5.. preparing for the stupid and idiotic "O" lvls.. bloody heLL.. i always have this mindset.. studying so much also no use.. if suay suay kena bang by car then all the years you studied all no use.. so why bother to study so much? in this compeitive world.. all you need to use this brain and mouth.. who cares whether how much you study.. haiz.. my future.. the moment i think i wanna die.. i lost my freedom.. everything.. i have to make it to university.. go poly or JC to there? either way will mould me into a nerd.. keep studying and studying.. only know abt books.. dunno what is happening around me.. actually i dunno why i must go university.. i never wanted to be a rich man.. or something successful in my career.. i just wanted a simple life.. a simple life.. however.. is impossible in this freaking world.. everything need $$.. eat.. live.. pay bills.. fuck man.. why can't everything be free? damnit.. 1/4 of my life have to study.. 1/2 of my life have to work.. another quarter of my life just left there to rot and die.. kao.. wht bother to live? life is so meaningless.. until i found myself a girlfriend.. my world become brighten.. thanks to her.. but now.. i think i have to leave her if i go JC.. i will have no time for her.. unless i go poly.. but.. from poly to university? sucicde man.. fuck la.. for me from JC to unversity also fuck.. damnit la.. i really dunno what to do.. i wanted die.. i wanted cry.. when the moment i thought abt this fucking thing.. i haven tell her abt this.. coz she is still having her exams.. her results is bad.. i don wan her to be sad and think over this thing and affect her exams.. i have promised to do many things wif her after my Os.. but.. all will be gone.. she have waited me since the day we go steady together.. i will have to disappoint her if i go JC.. everything will be gone.. including our relationship.. she is such a nice girl.. i am very sure that she is willing to wait for me for another 2-3 years after my JC.. but no use.. still got NS.. 2 years.. then by the time i go university she already completed her poly and go out work.. so i have to let her go.. let her go.. i dunno what i will become..
haIZ.. better settle my Os this year.. many of my primary friends already completed.. and i still on it.. i am such a failure.. haiz.. i slack too much this year.. i always slack.. even tml is exam.. you can still see me slacking.. and play.. i can't believe it.. why am i like that.. i always think it will be okay for me.. no problem one.. but always end up the other way.. fuck sia.. sometimes i studied like mad.. then the results still so suck.. nothing to say.. last month de prelim is the best example.. i really never study much.. very little.. mum is right.. to her.. i always waste my time and play.. always quarrel wif her.. and i always insisted that i got study a lot.. hai.. 1 month to my Os.. have to study.. plz.. must..

11:25 AM
LeX

Saturday, October 02, 2004

sad day

6:29 PM
LeX