Everytime I try to fly... I fall without my wings.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

TODAY IS PMS DAY.. what is happening sia.. i was still very happy today until around evening.. DeaR don seems to care abt me.. dunno why.. last time she can straight away msg me back de.. now average time 30-60mins then msg me back.. kinda sad.. i still can average out the time.. can see how many time she reply me late.. maybe she din notice it at all.. nvm.. i understand.. she is working ma..

Anyway.. at the same time i also got nth to do.. then very tired.. end up i getting more and more moody.. zzz.. am i really a girl in a man's body..? hmm.. maybe someday i would prefer guys.. muhahaha.. lol.. self entertainment.. ask jia play wif me FT.. he wan to play RO.. haiz.. i sick of RO already.. but at the same time im also damn sick of FT.. it seems that i got nth to do when i got back from work.. + my DeaR working.. reply me late as always.. sian ah.. suddenly so sian.. think of it.. yetersday was my happiest day of the month.. its been so long ever since i went mad and laugh and talk non-stop.. i usually keep quiet.. like now.. i don like opening my mouth.. abit pointless.. sian means sian.. haiz..

Talking abt yetersday.. i really happy.. got present.. got free meal.. got 2 times ^^.. got shopping awhile.. chit chat wif DeaR.. although all was crap.. but somehow i saw DeaR's eyes like lesser interest in me le.. haiz.. cham.. am i a boring person? i think i got no $ buy new things.. then the things i wear and do all like old stuff.. like become those black and white tv shows soon.. jia lat.. haha.. $ ah $ ah.. why earn so hard.. then use so easy one.. zzz..

i think i gotta slp early everynight.. slping now.. boo!

10:14 PM
LeX

Saturday, March 18, 2006

haha.. funny sia.. just now at bugis village don wan eat.. DeaR keep asking me..

"Baobei.. wanna eat ma?"

"I say no.. im quite full. =)"

"U sure? i thought u every 2hrs then must eat something one?"

Yea u are right DeaR, " nah.. im not hungry.. u eat ba.. what u wanna eat?"

haha.. right now here.. eating noodles.. quite pathetic rite? haha.. the cafe stuff so x.. but actually not v X also.. just that i don wan to spend anymore $ already.. today went out with around 60+bucks.. then DeaR gave me 30 bucks.. so i got 90+ bucks
After the end of today.. i left wif 25 bucks.. how poor i going to get? if i eat at the cafe.. thats it le.. i no need to buy the necklace for DeaR le.. hehe.. lucky i tahaned.. if not really no $.. but on that day i really die.. 20th.. 25 bucks buy necklace.. no need eat and go anywhere le.. haiz.. dunno how.. really bothering me.. nvm.. i go dig my coins.. hhehe..

I love u DeaR.. =)

12:13 AM
LeX

Friday, March 17, 2006

lots of things to say.. practically.. one word to describe today's east coast outing wif my gf and her friends.. gloomy..

sometimes im thinking why i love DeaR so much.. what are the things that make me love her? i dunno.. but i really pissed off by her a lot.. i really got no mood already( apparently is my skin again)..

Today fine sunny day.. reach east coast at noon.. then gotta wait for Jason.. what a faggot.. still slping when we already in paya labar.. lol.. almost all guys are like to slp in bed.. then end up late one.. den me, dear, joei, xianying and jason rollerblade! only me and jason know how to blade.. the rest cham.. of coz i gotta teach my gf.. hehe.. teaching her something again in east coast.. last time taught her cycling! haha.. muacks DeaR.. im happy that i have been the one that is teaching u things.. hehe..

but never except this.. im already not in a v gd mood.. and my DeaR really screwed up my calm mind and a relaxing body to east coast.. teach her how to blade.. she really screamed and shouted loudly.. i know she will la.. but.. its really v fuck up for me.. its so pericing.. my mood was completed disrupted and i really feel like walking off.. i really cannot tahan.. but i cannot bear to do it.. i just kept quiet all along the path.. holding her arm and just practically walk on the pavement with the blades..

3 things that really screwed up my day.. firstly.. my gf is a vegetarian.. but she keeps eating non vegetarian foods.. though she never eat meat.. but vegetarian and non-vegetarian foods really taste different.. wats the use of being a vegetarian and then keep eating non-vegetarian food? last time i kept letting her eat non-vegetarian food.. then sometimes fed her some fish and chicken meat.. coz i wan her to eat meat wif me.. that time i was really a selfish person.. really.. now she cannot revert back already.. shes used to non-vegetarian food.. i really feel like killing myself.. i really regretted.. her family persuade me to become vegetarian.. but ended up the other way round.. she is now addicted to non-vegetarian food.. no matter how i tell her not to eat those stuff again.. she ended up still eating non-vegetarian food.. but everytime see her never eat i really very xing ku.. for example.. today we went McDonalds.. she is not supposed to eat these food.. so i never buy any foodfor her.. at that moment seeing her eating the fries only..i will just keep telling myself.. my DeaR is starving.. all she can eat is fries.. i wan to buy vegetarian for her.. but she just don wan.. i also no mood to eat..

Everytime i wan buy or eat vegetarian food wif her.. she say.. i don wan..
I am really sinned.. im sorry god.. for what i have done to her..

2nd thing.. my skin problem.. my skin has worsen these few days.. its spreading.. more and more wounds that never heal in weeks or even months.. i really wan to cry.. i really don wan to go out.. i really don wan other pple to see me.. and say.. eeek.. why ur skin like that one..? im really sad.. even they don say.. i also know what they are thinking.. everyday i just can't be happier.. nobody understands.. even DeaR.. she will just tell me.. nvm i bring u go see skin specialist.. what use? always say only.. im really sad.. today taught her blading.. screamed like loud hailer.. i really feel like shouting at her.. but the feeling slowing fade off.. coz i love her a lot.. i don wan to make things big.. i wan her to be happy the whole day..

Comparing with other pple who has much more worser diseases or even cancers.. im luckier.. i should be happy.. but i just couldn't be happier each single day.. i cried..

3rd thing.. my mummy.. yesterday quarrel wif her abt the same old thing again.. why always remember the past so clearly..? why just can't look ahead of ur life and live happier..? (Am i refering to myself?) Yesterday i told her...

"Mummy.. my skin very itchy then like deteriorating.. how mum?

"See la.. last time keep eating potato chips and chillies.. now all come out.."

The next moment i just threw my ANGER to her..

"KAO! Mummy!! can u stop talking abt what i always ate last time? its been like so long ago lor.. why u keep mention abt it? u say liao got use meh? can't be just stop thinking of that? my skin now everyday getting worse.. and can't u say anything nicer?"

"Ya i know.. i just reminding u.. u know last time u eat de those stuff very oily u know.."

I really felt FUCK.. no comments..

"U see.. u and papa.. can't u just stop thinking last time how papa treated u and said those bad things to u? why u always remember all these bad things..? papa has changed a lot.. there are so many gd sides of him now.. why can't u just forgive him? all these years hes been giving us $.. 3 children.. sis 400 bro 400 me 300.. he is giving us $1100 a month.. every single month.. and both of u divorce so long already.. why still remember what he said to you in the past?

i will continue spamming all my sentences to her.. Never ending conversation.. she ended it wif..

"I will always remember what he did.. even i die i also remember.."

No comments.. why always when i talk to mum always turned out like that? why always quarrel? i keep thinking why theres no other stuff to talk to her..? i really feels bad.. leaving her alone.. the 3 of us staying in our rooms using our computer.. ignoring our mum.. haiz.. i really wan to do something abt it..

I don wan wait until i lost someone.. then i regretted that i never do all these.. Cherish your family members.. they are your closest kin..

One last sad thing for today.. at night.. 5 of us went bugis village and shop.. some point in time.. DeaR told me..

"Next time when u propose to me.. don buy a diamond for me.. i wan colourful gems.."

"Who say i wan to marry you?"

She turned away from me and tried to run but i pulled her

"I was kidding.. i wan to.."

I can feel her tears coming down.. but maybe my sense was wrong.. she smiled to me instead..

Though theres nth already but i keep asking myself.. why did i say that? i should be saying i will buy lots of gems to propose you.. am i backing up at the last min? or am i just joking? somehow was my today's mood that was affecting me..

Im sorry DeaR.. i wan to marry you.. u will always be my Dearest Laopo.. =)

10:32 PM
LeX

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Quite disappointed wif my results.. 1 distinction thx to jek yew.. really without him i can perish in Business Management.. damn sia.. how hell these guys study one.. pple like him.. shawn.. wanyi.. how come sia.. am i born dumb or just can do only this far.. damnit.. forget it..

Life really bored sometimes.. doing the same stuff everyday.. lol.. dota.. dota.. dota.. this noah everyday and night dota one.. retard sia.. haiz.. next time go work also same stuff.. why am i so sad abt life.. zzz..

I know my English is very bad.. people tell me "Read more newspapers! Its gd for ur health and can improve ur angmo.." zzz.. i hate reading newspaper.. u know y.. whats so interesting reading pple die there and here.. how they died or how they got raped by some pussy bastard.. the moment i read i really feel fucked abt life.. take as example a girl being born till she is maybe around 21 yrs old.. know what..? suay suay.. tio raped.. thats it.. her life was stalked by this man who has touched her.. zzz.. so many bastard pple in this world..

worst thing.. natural disasters.. kao.. pple just live and die like that.. i really don wish to read or see all this anymore.. never ending tragic.. zzz..

Guys.. feel contented wif what u have.. even u are blind or crippled.. even if u have the worst family members or friends.. u still can live on and see the more beautiful sides of this world.. compare urself wif those who can't even choose how they live their lifes.. don grumble so much..

Live ur life to the fullest.. don turn back..

10:37 PM
LeX