Everytime I try to fly... I fall without my wings.

Friday, March 17, 2006

lots of things to say.. practically.. one word to describe today's east coast outing wif my gf and her friends.. gloomy..

sometimes im thinking why i love DeaR so much.. what are the things that make me love her? i dunno.. but i really pissed off by her a lot.. i really got no mood already( apparently is my skin again)..

Today fine sunny day.. reach east coast at noon.. then gotta wait for Jason.. what a faggot.. still slping when we already in paya labar.. lol.. almost all guys are like to slp in bed.. then end up late one.. den me, dear, joei, xianying and jason rollerblade! only me and jason know how to blade.. the rest cham.. of coz i gotta teach my gf.. hehe.. teaching her something again in east coast.. last time taught her cycling! haha.. muacks DeaR.. im happy that i have been the one that is teaching u things.. hehe..

but never except this.. im already not in a v gd mood.. and my DeaR really screwed up my calm mind and a relaxing body to east coast.. teach her how to blade.. she really screamed and shouted loudly.. i know she will la.. but.. its really v fuck up for me.. its so pericing.. my mood was completed disrupted and i really feel like walking off.. i really cannot tahan.. but i cannot bear to do it.. i just kept quiet all along the path.. holding her arm and just practically walk on the pavement with the blades..

3 things that really screwed up my day.. firstly.. my gf is a vegetarian.. but she keeps eating non vegetarian foods.. though she never eat meat.. but vegetarian and non-vegetarian foods really taste different.. wats the use of being a vegetarian and then keep eating non-vegetarian food? last time i kept letting her eat non-vegetarian food.. then sometimes fed her some fish and chicken meat.. coz i wan her to eat meat wif me.. that time i was really a selfish person.. really.. now she cannot revert back already.. shes used to non-vegetarian food.. i really feel like killing myself.. i really regretted.. her family persuade me to become vegetarian.. but ended up the other way round.. she is now addicted to non-vegetarian food.. no matter how i tell her not to eat those stuff again.. she ended up still eating non-vegetarian food.. but everytime see her never eat i really very xing ku.. for example.. today we went McDonalds.. she is not supposed to eat these food.. so i never buy any foodfor her.. at that moment seeing her eating the fries only..i will just keep telling myself.. my DeaR is starving.. all she can eat is fries.. i wan to buy vegetarian for her.. but she just don wan.. i also no mood to eat..

Everytime i wan buy or eat vegetarian food wif her.. she say.. i don wan..
I am really sinned.. im sorry god.. for what i have done to her..

2nd thing.. my skin problem.. my skin has worsen these few days.. its spreading.. more and more wounds that never heal in weeks or even months.. i really wan to cry.. i really don wan to go out.. i really don wan other pple to see me.. and say.. eeek.. why ur skin like that one..? im really sad.. even they don say.. i also know what they are thinking.. everyday i just can't be happier.. nobody understands.. even DeaR.. she will just tell me.. nvm i bring u go see skin specialist.. what use? always say only.. im really sad.. today taught her blading.. screamed like loud hailer.. i really feel like shouting at her.. but the feeling slowing fade off.. coz i love her a lot.. i don wan to make things big.. i wan her to be happy the whole day..

Comparing with other pple who has much more worser diseases or even cancers.. im luckier.. i should be happy.. but i just couldn't be happier each single day.. i cried..

3rd thing.. my mummy.. yesterday quarrel wif her abt the same old thing again.. why always remember the past so clearly..? why just can't look ahead of ur life and live happier..? (Am i refering to myself?) Yesterday i told her...

"Mummy.. my skin very itchy then like deteriorating.. how mum?

"See la.. last time keep eating potato chips and chillies.. now all come out.."

The next moment i just threw my ANGER to her..

"KAO! Mummy!! can u stop talking abt what i always ate last time? its been like so long ago lor.. why u keep mention abt it? u say liao got use meh? can't be just stop thinking of that? my skin now everyday getting worse.. and can't u say anything nicer?"

"Ya i know.. i just reminding u.. u know last time u eat de those stuff very oily u know.."

I really felt FUCK.. no comments..

"U see.. u and papa.. can't u just stop thinking last time how papa treated u and said those bad things to u? why u always remember all these bad things..? papa has changed a lot.. there are so many gd sides of him now.. why can't u just forgive him? all these years hes been giving us $.. 3 children.. sis 400 bro 400 me 300.. he is giving us $1100 a month.. every single month.. and both of u divorce so long already.. why still remember what he said to you in the past?

i will continue spamming all my sentences to her.. Never ending conversation.. she ended it wif..

"I will always remember what he did.. even i die i also remember.."

No comments.. why always when i talk to mum always turned out like that? why always quarrel? i keep thinking why theres no other stuff to talk to her..? i really feels bad.. leaving her alone.. the 3 of us staying in our rooms using our computer.. ignoring our mum.. haiz.. i really wan to do something abt it..

I don wan wait until i lost someone.. then i regretted that i never do all these.. Cherish your family members.. they are your closest kin..

One last sad thing for today.. at night.. 5 of us went bugis village and shop.. some point in time.. DeaR told me..

"Next time when u propose to me.. don buy a diamond for me.. i wan colourful gems.."

"Who say i wan to marry you?"

She turned away from me and tried to run but i pulled her

"I was kidding.. i wan to.."

I can feel her tears coming down.. but maybe my sense was wrong.. she smiled to me instead..

Though theres nth already but i keep asking myself.. why did i say that? i should be saying i will buy lots of gems to propose you.. am i backing up at the last min? or am i just joking? somehow was my today's mood that was affecting me..

Im sorry DeaR.. i wan to marry you.. u will always be my Dearest Laopo.. =)

10:32 PM
LeX