Everytime I try to fly... I fall without my wings.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Tonight.. actually wan to go her hse for the class de.. but last min she told me working late.. gotta teach ah dai.. here i sad again.. but nvm.. but then.. still got the urge to go out.. coz very sad.. very bored.. got nth to do.. so take my bike and go cycle.. then soon bian go distribute flyers.. but actually is go serganoon to see DeaR.. so stupid rite.. haha..

On the way there was truly a gloomy journey.. i almost got hit by car.. horned by bus.. and almost lost control of my front wheel.. gosh.. what am i doing.. haiz.. but lucky under god's bless.. im alright.. cried twice on the way.. thinking of my skin i just don feel like doing anything.. been 2-3 days. no sign of recovery.. really feel like dying.. its so itchy.. go ugly.. so disgusting after a bathe.. the skin just drop off and the red blood wounds and come out.. my bed are stained wif blood.. blood.. i guess no one can feel how bitter i am now.. i got no one to turn to.. no friends to talk to.. DeaR working these 2 days.. full shift somemore.. why still work? everytime say pei me.. when u come and pei me everytime? when i need u where are u? i need a shoulder.. but theres none for me there.. im sad.. my life is so sad.. full of sadness.. theres rarely a few days im happy.. barely..

finally reached serganoon.. whoa.. long time no see de place.. a little bit of miss there.. haha.. wanted to find DeaR.. but held back.. dunno why.. then i straight away go fen flyers.. ah.. yongjia hse there so easy.. all the letter boxes super old one.. hehe.. then i also lazy to go upstairs and fen.. then i just fen the letter boxes.. hehe..

Within minutes i finished.. shiok.. then got this super big duper urge to see DeaR.. miss her a lot.. wan to see her.. wan to baobao her.. these few days really hard to live without see her.. haha.. vroommmmmmmm.. here i gooooooo to her shop...!

Ah! saw her.. so happy.. green shirt wif blue jeans.. so cute.. hehe.. but i stood outside the shop waiting for her to see me.. but to my dismay.. after standing there for 45mins.. she never see me.. sad.. i just ride my bike and go.. but still happy.. =)

Reached home.. bathed.. on the phone wif her.. suddenly sadness engulfed me again.. shes going work this week and next week again.. again and again.. teaching the newcomer ah dai.. her cousin.. she say shes not working.. this week and next week de.. another lie.. why again? no one in the shop can teach him meh? only my DeaR.. if dai needs her then i how? i dying for her already.. from the start of my holiday i asking her.. when u not working? always tell me maybe last week of the holiday or 2 weeks before.. i guess its all crap now.. it may seems that i can live without u.. but the truth is.. i can't live a single day without ur existence.. maybe there are days i wan to be alone myself.. but i am more looking forwards to the days wif u..

Guess these days i really need her.. really.. but i am still left alone.. facing the problem myself.. after telling her that im really sad over my skin.. still remember was last night that i told her that i din wan to see her coz of my skin.. then she say i always keep to myself.. now she know le.. but she still go work today.. sometimes think that.. am i important to her? of coz she will say yes.. but in this case.. i really need her a lot today.. but she was not there.. she just dunno how sad i am..

9:47 PM
LeX

Lots of things i wanna express my feelings into words.. Too hard.. Too much.. Too miserable my life is..

Right now sitting infront of my computer.. seriously.. i got nth to do.. and is finding things desperately to do to pass my precious time.. time needed to earn $.. i need $ badly.. gotta buy a lot of things.. and this few days rotting at home.. i think a lot of things..

I really don feel like going out.. but my skin is almost as disgusting as any common skin diseases.. yes.. its that bad.. i gonna get it healed.. no matter what..

All these while.. so many things happened.. quarrel wif my bro over the tuition agency.. locking myself up in a room.. suffering the skin problem myself.. i find that im really a person who always solo.. the tuition thingy supposed to do wif my bro.. end up i doing myself.. seriously.. anyone would be disappointed if her partner left the business.. i just have to say that.. its part of my life.. and i gotta move on.. hoping i can cope wif it.. but right now i isnt doing anything.. i just slacking everyday at home.. rotting..

The skin.. i just locked myself in the room.. don wan anyone to see it.. neither do my DeaR.. just don wan.. din realised that i doing the wrong thing.. DeaR say when things happen.. i always encounter the problem myself and not sharing wif her.. yup.. shes true.. im like that.. just dunno why.. but now i will share everything wif her.. so that she is not sad.. neither do i wan myself to be sad.. haiz.. talking abt now.. i really got nth to do.. typing this blog to pass my time..

Learning Piano these few days.. but my skin keep disrupting my concentration.. its so itchy.. haiz.. really pissed off.. seriously im sufforcating in this room of mine.. staying inside for more than 72hrs already.. day by day.. hr by hr.. min by min.. sec by sec.. i just let it pass.. doing nth.. wanted to cry.. wanted to shout.. wan to talk to someone but no best friend in life.. nth.. my life is just DeaR.. without her is just me.. nth more.. these few days.. just got this feeling.. im single.. like having a single life de lifestyle.. sometimes like it a lot.. but if can go out will be better..

Really feel like talking to someone.. maybe hear some stories.. but.. think of it theres no one i wanna talk to.. i prefer female friends than guy friends.. but also cannot get too close wif female friends.. later they think i jerk or what.. got gf still get so close to girls.. and also i got gf.. also must be responsible and faithful.. haiz.. actually is i auto restrict myself to girls.. izzit a gd or bad thing? i dunno.. just can't behave the way i wanna be sometimes.. wats my behavior i also dunno.. lots of dunno in my life.. im getting more and more confused wif my life.. thats bad.. why like that..

Sometimes miss DeaR a lot a lot.. sometimes don even miss her.. sometimes just wanna be alone.. be myself in my lonely world.. no girls no objects no things.. just myself.. haha.. the first smile of today.. suddenly feel that i talk a lot of crap.. lol.. maybe thats why i got a lot dunnos.. haha.. don write liao.. so retarded..

Praying to God.. Please heal me.. forgive my sins..

1:19 PM
LeX